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Post by Marie on Aug 7, 2005 2:20:03 GMT -5
Satanic Starbucks A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
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Post by Marie on Aug 7, 2005 2:20:30 GMT -5
Any one else have a joke to add?
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Post by Marie on Aug 7, 2005 14:58:48 GMT -5
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.
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Post by manofhonnor on Aug 8, 2005 1:06:51 GMT -5
there were these 3 guys. The 1st one bouth a mazaratti and toke it for a spin. When he arrive at a curve he lost control of his car and crash the againt a wall. The guy gets off is car furious and starts swearing. It took me 3 hours of work to buy this car its its for scrap. The second guy buy's a ferrari takes it for a spin. At the same place as the 1st guy he loses contraol of is car and crash is it against a wall. He gets out all mad and say: It took me 3 days of work to bye this car and now it's for srap. The 3rd buy's a car, a honda, take's it for a spin. At the same place as the other 2 guys loses control and goe's against the same wall. He gets off is car and says: it took me 3 years of work to bye this car. Yhe other 2 guys look at each ohter and say: he's nuts to buy an expensive car like that.
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Post by Marie on Aug 8, 2005 1:15:31 GMT -5
Good One!!! Keep em comming!
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Post by Marie on Aug 8, 2005 16:42:56 GMT -5
Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground. "Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?" "I dunno," said the second. "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom. "Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft. While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat. "Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole." "Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
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Post by mis on Aug 8, 2005 17:02:26 GMT -5
whOops! Throwing Stuff Down A Mineshaft Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground. "Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?" "I dunno," said the second. "Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom. "Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft. While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat. "Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole." "Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
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Post by Marie on Aug 9, 2005 1:00:37 GMT -5
A Gummy Problem Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chicken's foot
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Post by Marie on Aug 11, 2005 1:44:17 GMT -5
The Duck and the Condom Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, "We don't have any condoms. I''ll call room service." So he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'''' ''''No,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''
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Post by Marie on Aug 12, 2005 19:48:54 GMT -5
English Patient An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
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Post by Marie on Aug 19, 2005 0:47:25 GMT -5
Bad Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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Post by Marie on Aug 21, 2005 1:08:22 GMT -5
Sumo Kamikaze Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building. The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!'' The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!'' The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''
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Post by Marie on Sept 29, 2005 20:44:07 GMT -5
Gloves and Panties A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. Love, Bobby PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing
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Post by random dude on Oct 6, 2005 23:00:42 GMT -5
;D cool they are funny
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